Why do we fall?

Last night I had another episode of spiritual warfare. I hadn't had my quiet time where I meditate/ pray in depth or actually sat down to study my bible for a length of time in about a week and I had been feeling guilty about. So I went upstairs where I have cleared out a quiet place which has a coffee table where I can study the Word, a bed where I can rest, and a weight bench where I can work. I started my meditation prayer which was amazing and then I sat down read through Luke. That's when I got distracted by the flesh. My skin on my arms was peeling from a bad sunburn I got a week prior from mowing the yard with my sleeves rolled up. I spent about 10 minutes peeling the sunburn. That flesh was quite distracting (pun intended).  Anyhow, I read through a chapter and then I started getting sleepy. So I went downstairs to go to sleep. I messaged a friend on Facebook before I went to sleep and they replied. The reply, although not related at all, reminded me of the awful breakup I went through last year. My mind started racing and I started feeling sick. The devil was bring back these old painful feelings and memories that I had buried deep in my pit of despair that The Lord had miraculously brought me out of and saved my life. I made the mistake of reading a post on her blog about her bragging about her new boyfriend and she had all these pictures of her and him hugging on each other and her talking about how they have  been together for 10 months, ect... I became so upset. I don't have feelings for her anymore after what she did to me, and I don't think about her anymore. God has brought me out of that. But I was furious and jealous because this girl, the girl I dated for over a year, the girl I almost married, the girl I gave my heart to, she never once posted any pictures of her and I publicly or mentioned me publicly. Yet here she was rambling on about a guy that she has only been with a short time. Heck, I had her ring picked out and everything when she left me. 

As I may have mentioned, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) which I was diagnosed with at a young age and have been hospitalized & medicated for. I've struggled with it for my whole life. And one of the things that I have problems with is if something is unfinished. Everything needs to be finished. Well, with that relationship, it still isn't finished, so to speak. There was no closure. No reason. Just an unfinished railroad track. God brought me out of all that and has healed me more than I ever thought possible, but he put a temporary end cap on that unfinished railroad track. And this is the second time the evil one has ripped that cap off and has caused a train wreck in my mind. The lack of closure that she continues to torture me with for over a year is usually at bay, but not last night. It was ripped off like a scab and the sore and wounded skin was exposed. Questions began circling in my head. They were legitimate questions that I had, many of them buried, but the evil one was bringing them back up. Why wasn't I good enough? Why wasn't I good-looking enough for her or her patents? Why did she lie to and betray me? Why did she refuse to bring closure to our relationship? Out of all that she did to me, the least she could've done was give me closure. And she knew how my mind works, she knew I needed closure and she told me she wasn't going to give it to me. Why did she continue to torture me? I now know that I will never receive that closure, and even if she read this and felt inclined to give me closure, that would just make things worse. The only way for that end cap on the railroad to be permanently fixed would be for The Lord to bring the One he has planned for me to fix it. Only then will it heal. Until it heals, I will always have that brokenness. And she can live on in her happy new life knowing that she brought me to my lowest, that she broke me more than anything, that because of the refusal to bring closure, she chose to continue to torture me every day of my life until I am married to the One The Lord has planned for me, because only then will that wound be healed. And I know that The Lord will heal it. But I just hope it isn't too long until he does. But then again, I know that his timing is perfect. 

I realized last week that it was the Lord's will for her to break me. He allowed me to fall into that pit of agony and despair. He allowed me to fall so that he could pick me back up and bring me higher and closer to Him and he gave me new purpose. Right after the breakup he convicted me of my new purpose. A purpose that would save lives both physically and sometimes spiritually. While in the beautiful mountains of Colorado, while studying at Summit Ministries, he showed me my new purpose. He told me what to do. He told me atop those mountains his will for what I should do. He told me to stand up, to stand up and fight for his children to be free. He told me to standup for his children that were being killed by the thousands every day in my country. He told me to study and he put mentors and teachers in my path to teach and guide me into the path that he had planned for me. I've been attacked, threatened, harassed, and have lost so many friends for my decision to respond to what he told me to do. But it doesn't bother me, I, like The Lord's brother James says, "consider it pure joy" whenever I face trials of many kinds. I know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking of anything. I welcome the opposition and in times when I have been in doubt, The Lord has miraculously used random people around me to encourage me and tell me to stay strong in the fight for the Unborn. 

Anywho, back to last night. When all of this attacking me, I got out of bed and kneeled on my knees and just started praying. At the same time, my friend who I was messaging, sent me a message that encouraged me and made me realize things. I felt the Lord's arm wrapped around me comforting me while I was kneeling on my bedside. It was amazing. I continued to talk to my friend until around 3:30 am! They are unlike anyone I've ever met. They are so in-tune spiritually with the Lord and the Holy Spirit speaks through them every time I talk to them. They have the ability to know when something is bothering or affecting me without even seeing or talking to me, they can just tell. God has blessed them with so many spiritual gifts it is unbelievable. I long for that strong close intimacy that they have with The Lord on a daily basis. An intimacy that satisfies them wholly and makes the thought of dating or marriage almost an after thought. I want that and I am jealous of that! I ask for prayer for that from whoever is reading this. 

On a lighter note, when I started writing this almost  2 hours ago, I was angry, upset, and in pain, but as I wrote this, not knowing exactly what I was going to write, I realized my mood changing. I felt at peace and comforted. I don't even remember writing the third paragraph, I just remember feeling healed once again by The Lord. Thee first to paragraphs were written while I was emotional and in pain, they were the angry upset "flesh" part of me. The third paragraph on is after The Lord sat by my side helping me and comforting me. It is my hope, love, and spiritual desires for The Lord. I do apologize for the harshness of the first two paragraphs, they were written from an angry broken heart. They might've sounded harsh but they were true. Ive thought about removing them from this, but then I realized that without writing out my problems and pains, I wouldn't have found the comfort and healing in His arms, and the realization that he has given me new purpose. I now thank him for using her to break my heart, because if my heart hadn't have been broken, he wouldn't have brought about new purpose and desire to serve and grow closer to Him. And thank you Katherine for breaking my heart last year.  I have realized that he blessed me with meeting and making so many good friends at Summit, the position of President of MSU Students For Life, being a part of the group that is bringing about the new Starkville Pregnancy Care Center, being a mentor to several young believers that are thirsty for the Living Water of The Lord, and the amazing new friends I have made through Bible Studies this year.  All of these things came into play somehow or another because of what you did to me. So, as cruel as it was, I thank you, and for the first time I can finally say that I forgive you! =)

I am blessed beyond all means and what I have far outweighs that of things of this earth! When any of you are at the lowest you can possibly go, ask yourself one question: 

Why do we fall? We fall so that we can learn that God can pick us back up. 

Pregnancy Center and the amazingness of the Lord.

This was post was written back in November, because of certain circumstances, made obvious in this post, I have not been able to log onto this site since then.so without further ado:

This week has been probably the most spiritually stressful week in my life.  Sunday night a guy cussed me out because I said that I wasnt going to vote for Obama. He let loose a string of insults insulting my personality, my relationship with Christ, my past relationship with my former girlfriend, and many other things.

On Monday i got a text from a girl from my old high school that has harassed me for being prolife before. (I've blocked her from all social media platforms that I am on to avoid harassment).  In her text she accused me of being a racist because I was prolife. I informed her, what I had said before, that my convictions of being prolife came from The Lord and that he convicted me to stand up for the millions being slaughtered. I told her that this was America and the great thing about our country was that we all had the right to have our own views and/or opinions. I informed her that I respected that she had her views but I would never attack her or harass her, especially out of the blue like this. I nicely asked her not to text me anymore and wished her well. Ha. That conversation ended, but just with her. Within minutes of me sending that text to her, I received several text from people don't even know, harassing me, insulting me, accusing me of things, and saying things about me that were not even the slightest bit true. I was shocked because I hardly knew this girl and the people who she got to text me I barely knew. I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about either. I hadn't seen or heard from any of these folks for over a year, and some even since I was in high school. This whole ordeal upset me but I was reminded of what Paul said in 1 Thessalonians 2, "We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts......We were not looking for praise from people, not from you or anyone else..." And in Galatians 1, " Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." When God convicted me to stand up for the Life of the unborn, I knew that it wasn't about me or about what people thought of me. I was serving him and trying to help the unborn.

It was right after this string of text message harassments that I received a call from my best friend and brother in Christ. He, like the always faithful and encouraging Barnabas, told me how those people will never understand. He said that he was proud of me and that he knew my heart and my intentions and reassured me that God did too. He told me how, to these people, it seemed as though I was taking away their freedoms. They are worldly people who know nothing of the wonders and amazement of Christ. The devil was clearly using them to try to get me down in this stressful week.

Tuesday was the election and it was my first time to vote for president. I stated why I voted the way i did in my previous post. Needless to say I was quite disappointed by the results of the election. It wasn't about me or the person who got elected, to me this election was first and foremost about the abortion issue. The candidate who won, has,for the past 4 years, funded and supported the death of over 4 million innocent children. I had been praying all day for the election. I prayed that he would not get re-elected simply in order to save the lives of more children. When the results were announced, my heart sank. My heart ached for the millions of lives that had been and will be lost in the coming years. Wednesday at church I was reminded that we were not of this world. The president has nothing on us. No matter who is president, Jesus is King, and I serve the King! The king wins in the end and that all those people who voted for the death of those millions will one day be held accountable for their sin. I was reminded that we as believers are on this earth to bring more people to Christ. That is our goal, and we should never stop thriving to do that.

      Thursday night was the worst.  You've heard of spiritual warfare, right!? Well I experienced it in full force.

Being the President of Mississippi State University's Students For Life chapter, I was contacted a month ago by a woman who was on the board of directors of a committee that had been, for the past two years, laying the  foundation and frame work to open up a Pregnancy Care Center in Starkville. Starkville is the only SEC town without some type if pregnancy center. This woman came to speak to our group and tell us about the center and their plans for it. A couple weeks later she informed me of an event that they were going o have to reveal themselves to  and inform the community. She asked if I was interested in saying the ending prayer at the event and I said yes. Well I was nervous, but I knew The Lord would give me strength.

The prayer went well. But after I did the prayer and walked back to the back of the big room to help at the concession stands with my group.  My stress was gone and i was happy. Praise The Lord! Well, as I looked towards the crowd from behind, I saw a familiar person. I only saw the back of their head and their unique adorable nose. The person turned around for a brief second and lo and behold sitting on the back row of the seats in the audience was none other than the face of an angel. The face of the only woman I have ever loved. A woman of God who had deserted me without reason. The woman who caused me more pain and agony than anything else in my life. The woman who was the cause of almost 4 months of depression and confusion. The face of the woman of God who, despite what she did to me, still had my heart. A woman that  I still loved. I still can't see myself being married to anybody else but her.  I haven't seen her since she left me and ripped my heart out. I have finally gotten to a time in my life where I was not haunted every day with the memory of her and the future we had planned. I've been great for the past couple months thanks to The Lord and my mentors! I have change so much and have grown more in Christ since she left me. Well seeing her brought it all back. I started shaking and freaking out. I kept telling myself that "tonight wasn't about me or her, it was about The Lord and serving him." I literally felt like The Lord and satan were playing tug of war in my mind and in my chest. It literally felt like that! It's so weird! I went up to my assistant pastor who had been a mentor to me for over a year. He's a really nice grandfatherly like guy. I told him that she was there and he hugged me and said "look, you did great in your prayer! This is about The Lord! He wins in the end! You're doing the right thing! Keep doing what he tells you and don't start thinking about these silly things!" It really helped having him there. He kept going up to me and giving me encouraging words and hugging me! He was the first person I talked to in person about my break up after my parents. He gave me advice and some verses that gave me the strength to carry on.


I prayed and read some verses that he gave me when she left me 8 months ago, that have continued To give strength. But it was still a tug of war going on (keep in mind that this is all happening during the presentation of the event). You know how in the old cartoons, the characters have an angel and the devil on each shoulder telling them conflicting things? Well it was like that! God was telling me to forget about it and that it was all about him and bringing him glory and helping the Children which he had called me to help. And Satan was telling me "look at her! She came here to upset you! She knew this was a big night for you and she came here to make you mess up and distract you! She's a terrible person! Just leave this place so you won't have to deal with her!" I know her heart and I knew she would never do that. I knew it was Satan attacking me. It got to be so bad that I had to walk outside get down on my knees in the grass and just pray. I prayed for The Lord to deliver me from this situation and to give me strength. I prayed so hard... And I said out loud "satan! Get your trash thoughts out of here! Get behind me and leave me!" I took a deep breath of the nice autumn air, got on my feet, walked inside, splashed some water on my face from the water fountain and I felt like a weight had been lifted from me. All was well.

Well that was only half of it

When things were going alright, I was sitting there and my friend who has always been a person of spiritual encouragement for me, gets up and is walking towards the concession table. And she just falls out and feints and hits the table. A bunch of us jumped up and ran to her. Luckily there were 2 doctors there and a few nurses. They got up and took her out to the lobby. Pretty much all the folks (prolly about 8) that were there from my church (which my friend also goes to) went in the lobby too. She was okay but they didnt know why she feinted. Her mom took her home, to see her dad, who is doctor here in town. So I knew that she would be fine with him at home. Anywho. That was another way Satan was trying to distract me and upset me

I stayed till the end to collect donations and help clean up. The event was a great success! We raised several thousands of dollars plus commitments from several people!

I was so worn out after that! I felt like a battle had been going on in my mind and heart the entire night, and I was just ravaged with the exhausted feeling of having to fight a battle. My mom reminded me of something when I got home. She said "God put a blind fold over your eyes when you went up to pray" and  I was like huh? And she then elaborated, "what if you had seen her before you went up there? Or what if you had seen her right as you told everyone to bow their heads? You would've freaked out and been so nervous! God protected you during the time that you were praying in front of those people!" I hadn't even thought about that. It's amazing.

That night I felt the strong but puny work of the devil and the strong amazing strength of God beating him and protecting me! As stressful as the whole thing was, it is amazing looking back on it. The Lord won! I submitted it all to him and he fought my battle for me and I could actually literally see/feel it happening. I know that The Lord is my strength, and that, like the scripture says, he will fight our battles for us if we let him. I will never forget That night of November 8, 2012

This whole ordeal made me realize just how true the word to this song by Chris Tomlin are:

You hear me when I call
You are my morning song
Though darkness fills the night
It cannot hide the light
Whom shall I fear?

You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet
You are my sword and shield
Though trouble linger still
Whom shall I fear?

I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies is always by my side

My strength is in Your name
For You alone can save
You will deliver me
Yours is the victory
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?

And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in Your hands
I'm holding on to Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful