Relationships: The Difference Between Children and Men

Last night I had a long talk with one of my close friends about the roles in relationships. She was preparing to give a talk to the girls in her church's youth group about sexually purity this week.

The discussion really got me thinking back to my friends who have not been sexually pure. I have seen the brokenness and lasting pain and regret of their mistakes. It hurts my heart to see people that I care about go through that type of pain. That pain is one of the worst types one can go through. It has lasting physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual affects.

Pastor Andy Stanley says:

"Culture convinces us – and sometimes we convince ourselves – that sex is only physical. But if that is true, why is the pain of sexual sin so deep? Because sex is not just physical. It was designed by God to be so much more.Its not just physical. If you treat sex as if its just physical you hurt yourself, and if you get married, you hurt your partner. 

Regardless of your religious beliefs, this is what brings it home. Your sexuality is connected with your personality and your spirituality.

Here are some uncomfortable questions that prove this, and the answers are the same – Sex isn’t just physical. Why is it that when a child is sexually abused it so difficult to shake that off? Why does it follow them around their entire life? Why can’t they just get over it? It’s not because they were betrayed. Kids are betrayed all the time by adults. It’s because sex isn’t just physical – it is life altering.

Why is rape so much more devastating than being beat up? If sex is just physical, then rape is just like being beat up. You report it, and move on. But its not just physical – it’s life altering"  

1 Corinthians 6:18 says "Flee from sexual immorality".
What is intimacy? Intimacy is to know and be fully known.  All other sins people commit are outside their bodies but those who sin sexually sin against their own bodies.
Paul is telling us: When you sin sexually you hurt yourself. Not only do you hurt yourself, but at the deepest level imaginable. It will carry with you throughout your entire life. Sexuality is so powerful if you break the rules it has the same power to turn your life upside down.  

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 tells us to “Abstain from sexual immorality, so that each of you knows how to control his own body in sanctification and honor, not with lustful desires, like the Gentiles who don’t know God”
  

1 Corinthians 6:16 says "Do you know know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said for the two will become one flesh."Sex is not just a matter of personal preference. Sex is a matter of divine design.  

Romance in marriage is fueled by a sense of exclusivity. Exclusivity says I’ve been praying for you and waiting for you as long as i’ve lived. I’m able to give ALL of me to ALL of you. You will have a more romantic and passionate marriage if you have been exclusive before marriage. You won’t worry about what your husband or wife is doing when you aren’t with them because you know their past stays with them. "

As he stated, Sex is designed specifically by God to unite two people spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. God created it to make you as one flesh. You are only meant to be with one person. That is why people experience so much pain after a break up with someone they have had sex with. Everyone has heard the phrase "I feel like a part of me is missing!" Well, people feel that way because they united as one and then separated what God designed to never be separated.

Its just like any type of machine or technology that you buy. It is designed to be used a specific way.  It messes up when you don't use it the way it was designed to be used.

The issue of sexual impurity falls on the guy's shoulders. Yes, I know that it takes two to tango, there are two parties involved. But biblically, the guys are supposed to be the protectors and guardians of the women. Andy states, "Men you still continue to set the pace for relationships. You are still in charge in that respect. Consequently you are more responsible."

Ed Stetzer in an article in Christianity Today says the following:

“In 1 Timothy the Apostle Paul encourages his protégé to relate to the believers in local churches in a familial way. The wording is specific for the church, of course, but it applies to how we view others. Paul says, treat “older women as mothers, and with all propriety, the younger women as sisters” (1 Timothy 5:1-2)"

I love that verse. The way I see it is that you are protective of your sister, always wanting what is best for her. If someone had sex with your sister out of wedlock, that would make you furious. But why would you feel that way? Because she is your sister, she is family, it is understood that you look out for and protect your family, especially the women of the family. What Paul is telling Timothy is that we should view all believers of the opposite sex as such (and even unbelievers in order to set a good example). Ask yourself this question: If some guy was doing the same sexual acts that you do with your girlfriend, to your sister, how would you feel? You should feel the same way about you doing them with your girlfriend! Of course when you get married that is completely different.

Men are called to be leaders, protectors, and providers.

We as Christian men are called to be leaders, protectors, and providers. It is often said that "men use love to get sex, and women use sex to get love". This is very true. Generally, in a non-Christian worldly sense, the main thing men want in a relationship is sex and the main thing women want is to be loved. Men will claim that they love a woman in order to get sex, and women will agree to having sex with a man thinking that that means that he loves her. Its a sad but true thing in our society. But as Christians, we have the power to say no to those lustful desire, and we are called to be so much more than what the men of the world are. By engaging in sexually immoral acts with your girlfriend, you are not acting as any of those things. The only leading you are doing is leading her into sin. You are certainly not protecting her in any form because you are violating her at her deepest level. And you certainly aren't providing anything for her other than the consequences of sin.

If you are a believer and are dating a girl, you should show her respect and love by being a leader, a protector, and a provider.

Lead

You lead her spiritually. Pray with her, read scripture with her, help her figure out things that she is struggling with in her walk with the Lord, take her to church and Bible studies with you, etc... Encourage her in all of those things.

Protect

Protect her in all ways possible.

If she is in physical danger put yourself between her and the danger, sacrificing yourself for her. If she is going through an emotional time, find out what is bothering her and do your best to put an end to it, and if it isn't something you can put an end to, comfort her and be there for her.

Protect her sexually. This means, following scripture and not engaging in any type of sexual actions. If you know you might get too carried away in some way, stay away from doing that. (If you know that making out can easily lead you to more serious things like touching and groping or even sexual intercourse, then don't make out). In order to protect both yourself and her, don't even put yourselves in situations where you might even be tempted in the slightest bit. Also, if she doesn't feel comfortable doing certain things physically with you, then accept that and respect that, don't pressure or coerce her into doing something she doesn't want to do.

Protect her Spiritually. If there is false teaching around her, remove her from that and lovingly show her the biblical truth. (This might be a touchy area for coupes from differing churches or denominations. Make sure to do it in love and grace. I suggest praying about it before acting on this one.)

Provide

Provide for her. The providing part has a much bigger role in marriage and in raising a family, but there are still ways you can provide for her while dating. You can provide compliments to her, give her gifts, help her with things, support her in her hobbies and activities, etc... All of these things should be done with her best interest in mind and should be with pure and loving intentions.

If you treat her badly, have sex with her, coerce her into doing things she doesn't want to do, allow danger to come to her, neglect to be the spiritual leader, or lead her into sin, you are not showing any form of love or respect for her. I would even go as far as suggesting that you do not love or respect her (strong opinion, I know).

Andy says, 

"In our society and culture, women are viewed, presented, talked about and sung about like a commodity. A commodity is something you use and trade up. The message we get in our society about women is "take me, use me, do what you want to with me, and then discard me."

I am a man, I see this pattern. Most of the time we don't know or realize that we are doing that or have that view, but sadly, it is true. Many songs and movies present women as objects of pleasure that are to be used to satisfy our lust and show our manliness and then thrown to the side and forgotten. Let me be frank, there is nothing mainly about having sex outside of marriage or having multiple sexual partners. It is childish.

Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of “childhood” behind me".

Our society is lacking in real men. I urge you brothers, to put away your childish ways and grow up and be a man. A biblical man. A man that leads, protects, and provides.

One of my favorite TV shows is Psych. In that show, the main character and his dad have a saying about how to treat women. "Treat a woman like a person, then a princess, then a Greek goddess, then a person again". I apply this to how I treat women, I urge you to take up this motto as well. 

And Girls, if you are reading this:  if a guy has sex with you before marriage, he isn't a real man. He is a child who has no self control and no respect for you. Real men have self control, they respect you, protect you, guard your heart and your purity. Don't date children, date real men.

Sources

Andy Stanley. The New Rules For Love Sex & Dating

http://northpoint.org/messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating

Ed Stetzer.  Act Like Men, Part 3: Men Treat Women with Respect

http://www.christianitytoday.com/edstetzer/2014/october/act-like-men-treat-women-with-respect.html

Why do we fall?

Last night I had another episode of spiritual warfare. I hadn't had my quiet time where I meditate/ pray in depth or actually sat down to study my bible for a length of time in about a week and I had been feeling guilty about. So I went upstairs where I have cleared out a quiet place which has a coffee table where I can study the Word, a bed where I can rest, and a weight bench where I can work. I started my meditation prayer which was amazing and then I sat down read through Luke. That's when I got distracted by the flesh. My skin on my arms was peeling from a bad sunburn I got a week prior from mowing the yard with my sleeves rolled up. I spent about 10 minutes peeling the sunburn. That flesh was quite distracting (pun intended).  Anyhow, I read through a chapter and then I started getting sleepy. So I went downstairs to go to sleep. I messaged a friend on Facebook before I went to sleep and they replied. The reply, although not related at all, reminded me of the awful breakup I went through last year. My mind started racing and I started feeling sick. The devil was bring back these old painful feelings and memories that I had buried deep in my pit of despair that The Lord had miraculously brought me out of and saved my life. I made the mistake of reading a post on her blog about her bragging about her new boyfriend and she had all these pictures of her and him hugging on each other and her talking about how they have  been together for 10 months, ect... I became so upset. I don't have feelings for her anymore after what she did to me, and I don't think about her anymore. God has brought me out of that. But I was furious and jealous because this girl, the girl I dated for over a year, the girl I almost married, the girl I gave my heart to, she never once posted any pictures of her and I publicly or mentioned me publicly. Yet here she was rambling on about a guy that she has only been with a short time. Heck, I had her ring picked out and everything when she left me. 

As I may have mentioned, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) which I was diagnosed with at a young age and have been hospitalized & medicated for. I've struggled with it for my whole life. And one of the things that I have problems with is if something is unfinished. Everything needs to be finished. Well, with that relationship, it still isn't finished, so to speak. There was no closure. No reason. Just an unfinished railroad track. God brought me out of all that and has healed me more than I ever thought possible, but he put a temporary end cap on that unfinished railroad track. And this is the second time the evil one has ripped that cap off and has caused a train wreck in my mind. The lack of closure that she continues to torture me with for over a year is usually at bay, but not last night. It was ripped off like a scab and the sore and wounded skin was exposed. Questions began circling in my head. They were legitimate questions that I had, many of them buried, but the evil one was bringing them back up. Why wasn't I good enough? Why wasn't I good-looking enough for her or her patents? Why did she lie to and betray me? Why did she refuse to bring closure to our relationship? Out of all that she did to me, the least she could've done was give me closure. And she knew how my mind works, she knew I needed closure and she told me she wasn't going to give it to me. Why did she continue to torture me? I now know that I will never receive that closure, and even if she read this and felt inclined to give me closure, that would just make things worse. The only way for that end cap on the railroad to be permanently fixed would be for The Lord to bring the One he has planned for me to fix it. Only then will it heal. Until it heals, I will always have that brokenness. And she can live on in her happy new life knowing that she brought me to my lowest, that she broke me more than anything, that because of the refusal to bring closure, she chose to continue to torture me every day of my life until I am married to the One The Lord has planned for me, because only then will that wound be healed. And I know that The Lord will heal it. But I just hope it isn't too long until he does. But then again, I know that his timing is perfect. 

I realized last week that it was the Lord's will for her to break me. He allowed me to fall into that pit of agony and despair. He allowed me to fall so that he could pick me back up and bring me higher and closer to Him and he gave me new purpose. Right after the breakup he convicted me of my new purpose. A purpose that would save lives both physically and sometimes spiritually. While in the beautiful mountains of Colorado, while studying at Summit Ministries, he showed me my new purpose. He told me what to do. He told me atop those mountains his will for what I should do. He told me to stand up, to stand up and fight for his children to be free. He told me to standup for his children that were being killed by the thousands every day in my country. He told me to study and he put mentors and teachers in my path to teach and guide me into the path that he had planned for me. I've been attacked, threatened, harassed, and have lost so many friends for my decision to respond to what he told me to do. But it doesn't bother me, I, like The Lord's brother James says, "consider it pure joy" whenever I face trials of many kinds. I know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking of anything. I welcome the opposition and in times when I have been in doubt, The Lord has miraculously used random people around me to encourage me and tell me to stay strong in the fight for the Unborn. 

Anywho, back to last night. When all of this attacking me, I got out of bed and kneeled on my knees and just started praying. At the same time, my friend who I was messaging, sent me a message that encouraged me and made me realize things. I felt the Lord's arm wrapped around me comforting me while I was kneeling on my bedside. It was amazing. I continued to talk to my friend until around 3:30 am! They are unlike anyone I've ever met. They are so in-tune spiritually with the Lord and the Holy Spirit speaks through them every time I talk to them. They have the ability to know when something is bothering or affecting me without even seeing or talking to me, they can just tell. God has blessed them with so many spiritual gifts it is unbelievable. I long for that strong close intimacy that they have with The Lord on a daily basis. An intimacy that satisfies them wholly and makes the thought of dating or marriage almost an after thought. I want that and I am jealous of that! I ask for prayer for that from whoever is reading this. 

On a lighter note, when I started writing this almost  2 hours ago, I was angry, upset, and in pain, but as I wrote this, not knowing exactly what I was going to write, I realized my mood changing. I felt at peace and comforted. I don't even remember writing the third paragraph, I just remember feeling healed once again by The Lord. Thee first to paragraphs were written while I was emotional and in pain, they were the angry upset "flesh" part of me. The third paragraph on is after The Lord sat by my side helping me and comforting me. It is my hope, love, and spiritual desires for The Lord. I do apologize for the harshness of the first two paragraphs, they were written from an angry broken heart. They might've sounded harsh but they were true. Ive thought about removing them from this, but then I realized that without writing out my problems and pains, I wouldn't have found the comfort and healing in His arms, and the realization that he has given me new purpose. I now thank him for using her to break my heart, because if my heart hadn't have been broken, he wouldn't have brought about new purpose and desire to serve and grow closer to Him. And thank you Katherine for breaking my heart last year.  I have realized that he blessed me with meeting and making so many good friends at Summit, the position of President of MSU Students For Life, being a part of the group that is bringing about the new Starkville Pregnancy Care Center, being a mentor to several young believers that are thirsty for the Living Water of The Lord, and the amazing new friends I have made through Bible Studies this year.  All of these things came into play somehow or another because of what you did to me. So, as cruel as it was, I thank you, and for the first time I can finally say that I forgive you! =)

I am blessed beyond all means and what I have far outweighs that of things of this earth! When any of you are at the lowest you can possibly go, ask yourself one question: 

Why do we fall? We fall so that we can learn that God can pick us back up.