Last night I had another episode of spiritual warfare. I hadn't had my quiet time where I meditate/ pray in depth or actually sat down to study my bible for a length of time in about a week and I had been feeling guilty about. So I went upstairs where I have cleared out a quiet place which has a coffee table where I can study the Word, a bed where I can rest, and a weight bench where I can work. I started my meditation prayer which was amazing and then I sat down read through Luke. That's when I got distracted by the flesh. My skin on my arms was peeling from a bad sunburn I got a week prior from mowing the yard with my sleeves rolled up. I spent about 10 minutes peeling the sunburn. That flesh was quite distracting (pun intended). Anyhow, I read through a chapter and then I started getting sleepy. So I went downstairs to go to sleep. I messaged a friend on Facebook before I went to sleep and they replied. The reply, although not related at all, reminded me of the awful breakup I went through last year. My mind started racing and I started feeling sick. The devil was bring back these old painful feelings and memories that I had buried deep in my pit of despair that The Lord had miraculously brought me out of and saved my life. I made the mistake of reading a post on her blog about her bragging about her new boyfriend and she had all these pictures of her and him hugging on each other and her talking about how they have been together for 10 months, ect... I became so upset. I don't have feelings for her anymore after what she did to me, and I don't think about her anymore. God has brought me out of that. But I was furious and jealous because this girl, the girl I dated for over a year, the girl I almost married, the girl I gave my heart to, she never once posted any pictures of her and I publicly or mentioned me publicly. Yet here she was rambling on about a guy that she has only been with a short time. Heck, I had her ring picked out and everything when she left me.
As I may have mentioned, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) which I was diagnosed with at a young age and have been hospitalized & medicated for. I've struggled with it for my whole life. And one of the things that I have problems with is if something is unfinished. Everything needs to be finished. Well, with that relationship, it still isn't finished, so to speak. There was no closure. No reason. Just an unfinished railroad track. God brought me out of all that and has healed me more than I ever thought possible, but he put a temporary end cap on that unfinished railroad track. And this is the second time the evil one has ripped that cap off and has caused a train wreck in my mind. The lack of closure that she continues to torture me with for over a year is usually at bay, but not last night. It was ripped off like a scab and the sore and wounded skin was exposed. Questions began circling in my head. They were legitimate questions that I had, many of them buried, but the evil one was bringing them back up. Why wasn't I good enough? Why wasn't I good-looking enough for her or her patents? Why did she lie to and betray me? Why did she refuse to bring closure to our relationship? Out of all that she did to me, the least she could've done was give me closure. And she knew how my mind works, she knew I needed closure and she told me she wasn't going to give it to me. Why did she continue to torture me? I now know that I will never receive that closure, and even if she read this and felt inclined to give me closure, that would just make things worse. The only way for that end cap on the railroad to be permanently fixed would be for The Lord to bring the One he has planned for me to fix it. Only then will it heal. Until it heals, I will always have that brokenness. And she can live on in her happy new life knowing that she brought me to my lowest, that she broke me more than anything, that because of the refusal to bring closure, she chose to continue to torture me every day of my life until I am married to the One The Lord has planned for me, because only then will that wound be healed. And I know that The Lord will heal it. But I just hope it isn't too long until he does. But then again, I know that his timing is perfect.
I realized last week that it was the Lord's will for her to break me. He allowed me to fall into that pit of agony and despair. He allowed me to fall so that he could pick me back up and bring me higher and closer to Him and he gave me new purpose. Right after the breakup he convicted me of my new purpose. A purpose that would save lives both physically and sometimes spiritually. While in the beautiful mountains of Colorado, while studying at Summit Ministries, he showed me my new purpose. He told me what to do. He told me atop those mountains his will for what I should do. He told me to stand up, to stand up and fight for his children to be free. He told me to standup for his children that were being killed by the thousands every day in my country. He told me to study and he put mentors and teachers in my path to teach and guide me into the path that he had planned for me. I've been attacked, threatened, harassed, and have lost so many friends for my decision to respond to what he told me to do. But it doesn't bother me, I, like The Lord's brother James says, "consider it pure joy" whenever I face trials of many kinds. I know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking of anything. I welcome the opposition and in times when I have been in doubt, The Lord has miraculously used random people around me to encourage me and tell me to stay strong in the fight for the Unborn.
Anywho, back to last night. When all of this attacking me, I got out of bed and kneeled on my knees and just started praying. At the same time, my friend who I was messaging, sent me a message that encouraged me and made me realize things. I felt the Lord's arm wrapped around me comforting me while I was kneeling on my bedside. It was amazing. I continued to talk to my friend until around 3:30 am! They are unlike anyone I've ever met. They are so in-tune spiritually with the Lord and the Holy Spirit speaks through them every time I talk to them. They have the ability to know when something is bothering or affecting me without even seeing or talking to me, they can just tell. God has blessed them with so many spiritual gifts it is unbelievable. I long for that strong close intimacy that they have with The Lord on a daily basis. An intimacy that satisfies them wholly and makes the thought of dating or marriage almost an after thought. I want that and I am jealous of that! I ask for prayer for that from whoever is reading this.
On a lighter note, when I started writing this almost 2 hours ago, I was angry, upset, and in pain, but as I wrote this, not knowing exactly what I was going to write, I realized my mood changing. I felt at peace and comforted. I don't even remember writing the third paragraph, I just remember feeling healed once again by The Lord. Thee first to paragraphs were written while I was emotional and in pain, they were the angry upset "flesh" part of me. The third paragraph on is after The Lord sat by my side helping me and comforting me. It is my hope, love, and spiritual desires for The Lord. I do apologize for the harshness of the first two paragraphs, they were written from an angry broken heart. They might've sounded harsh but they were true. Ive thought about removing them from this, but then I realized that without writing out my problems and pains, I wouldn't have found the comfort and healing in His arms, and the realization that he has given me new purpose. I now thank him for using her to break my heart, because if my heart hadn't have been broken, he wouldn't have brought about new purpose and desire to serve and grow closer to Him. And thank you Katherine for breaking my heart last year. I have realized that he blessed me with meeting and making so many good friends at Summit, the position of President of MSU Students For Life, being a part of the group that is bringing about the new Starkville Pregnancy Care Center, being a mentor to several young believers that are thirsty for the Living Water of The Lord, and the amazing new friends I have made through Bible Studies this year. All of these things came into play somehow or another because of what you did to me. So, as cruel as it was, I thank you, and for the first time I can finally say that I forgive you! =)
I am blessed beyond all means and what I have far outweighs that of things of this earth! When any of you are at the lowest you can possibly go, ask yourself one question:
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